Is your child a Coke Can Kid?*
Teachers, carers, and activity leaders say your child ‘had a great day’, and ‘doesn’t show distress at school’, and ‘played well with their friends’. So why is it, the minute they get home, they explode into meltdown, or retreat into the protective shell of shutdown? Why do some meltdowns come from ‘nowhere’, from 0-60 in seconds?
Imagine you’re a sensory-sensitive, neurodivergent child, hyper-attuned to external and internal stimuli. Things that a neurotypical brain processes as everyday, albeit irritating, can cause extreme distress, even physical pain for the neurodivergent mind. Imagine your child is a bottle/can of fizzy drink, and for every destabilising moment during the day, they are shaken.
• Breakfast was slimy (shake)
• A sock slid down inside a shoe causing a crease underfoot (tiny shake, all day)
• An overhead light buzzed (shake as long as the light is buzzing)
• They felt a huge sense of injustice at a disciplinary measure (one giant shake)
• They couldn’t make their body do what was being asked in P.E. but had no words to ask for help (shake for the duration of P.E.)
• They ‘performed’ active listening, maintained eye contact, played along with societal politeness despite not understanding it. They masked, all day (shake, shake, shake)
• There was a traffic jam after school, and all they want is to get home (shake, shake, shake)
The can/bottle is hard-wired. They carry it whether dysregulating things happen or not, so even on their ‘best’ days, that drink is being walked around, what happens when you pull the ring tab or unscrew the lid, by arriving home, making the demand that broke the camel’s back?
Giant fizzy mess.
A securely attached child sees their care provider, their home, the familiar as ‘safe’ space to pull the tab, or twist the cap, and you are on the receiving end of the giant fizzy mess. You can be forgiven for thinking that something you said or did was the cause, but it’s more complicated. There are usually layers. Rewind.
Trigger Stacking is a phrase used in dog and horse training. While it doesn’t do to compare ones’ little darlings to dogs or horses, the concept is now better appreciated in humans too. If we rewind events to see why a dog is reactive, we should be viewing our children through a nuanced lens of layered micro-events that, over time, narrow their window of tolerance to until their nervous systems cannot hold the weight.
The Neuroscience bit:
A meltdown or shutdown is an involuntary, biological stress response. The brain is primitive. At the culmination of irritants and upsets, the regulation core (the pre-frontal cortex) goes offline, and the amygdala (the threat/emotional core) takes over. The overload is perceived as a significant threat, flooding the nervous system with stress hormones, and the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response kicks in, resulting in explosive and destructive behaviours.
Our question should be: what happened today? Not just then. Not that specific demand. Not the obvious trigger right before the meltdown. Rewind. We should only ask that question, once the stress hormones are purged, and the pre-frontal cortex is regulated. A meltdown isn’t behavioural. It is not a tantrum. Punishing the visible manifestation of a dysregulated brain makes as much sense as punishing an epileptic seizure or migraine. It is also distressing to reason with someone mid-meltdown. It is a process that needs to run its course (with the caveat of ensuring everyone is safe), then afterwards you can deconstruct the events that led to it, and support your child with measures to mitigate those triggers in future.
Don’t blame the can for the giant fizzy mess. Identify what shook it in the first place.
Talk to Ciara about identifying triggers, and how to create a neuro-affirming home and school life that will support your neurodivergent child, by getting in touch.
*Other carbonated beverages are available
